For many couples, deciding to move in together is an important step in their relationship and a sign of their commitment to each other.
However, a growing number of people are opting to stay in loving, devoted relationships but not live under the same roof. Instead, they’re “living apart together” (LAT for short).
So, how come people are choosing to continue living independently? We spoke with Sandy – our Counselling Practice Specialist at Relationships Australia NSW, to learn more about why people might be making this choice, what’s driving it, and some of the benefits it can bring to romantic relationships.
What “living apart together” means
People who are living apart together (LAT) are in long-term romantic relationships but choose to live in different homes.
Australian Government data suggests that seven to nine percent of people aren’t living with their partner.
The important part of LATs is that it’s done by choice. There are many couples who are “regretfully apart” – they might be separated by distance, or other circumstances (e.g. financial, cultural) that prevent them from living together for a period of time.
For those pursuing the LAT lifestyle, it’s a long-term decision made with their partner.
Why people live separately in a relationship
According to Sandy, many couples make this choice to keep some autonomy and financial freedom.
“People who speak very positively about LAT say they’re getting the best of both their independence and connection with a partner,” she explains.
“Some people really value their space and routine and want to hold onto that. So, it’s a way of accommodating that and, at the same time, having a relationship and romance.”
It may also be to try and minimise the impact of a new relationship on children if they are still living at home.
Elisabeth Shaw, CEO of Relationships Australia NSW, says that older women and people who have previously been married or in long-term relationships are leading the charge in LAT relationships. In many cases, they don’t want to compromise the family home or have already gone through a settlement and divorce, which they don’t want to repeat.
“Women, particularly, enjoy the independence that comes from not being obliged to anyone, if that’s been a feature of other stages [such as kids, elderly parents, and work obligations],” Elisabeth told the ABC.
She also added it can bring a buzz to many relationships.
“I’ve had people say the relationship doesn’t get stale because you have to work at it – you have to make an effort to see each other. [LAT relationships] get into a different mindset instead of just pulling into your driveway and knowing [their] partner’s on the couch. There’s something about going to the trouble of seeing each other, which is quite special and quite exciting.”
While people might choose not to live together, both Sandy and Elisabeth emphasise that this doesn’t mean they’re not any less committed to each other.
“It’s important we don’t view living apart as an indication of commitment – people can be as committed living apart as they are together,” Sandy says.
It’s also essential to note that many of these assumptions are made about heterosexual relationships, and those who have the financial support and privilege to choose to live separately.
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How people can thrive living apart together
A couple not sharing the same space can eliminate some of the day-to-day frustrations like who’s cooking dinner, putting the laundry on, or taking the dog for a walk.
But, it doesn’t mean it’s all smooth sailing from there.
Sandy suggests partners discuss what their expectations look like, including how frequently they want to see each other and how they spend their time together. This could be a couple of days uninterrupted, or occasional meals throughout the week and more time on the weekends.
Just like couples living together, Sandy recommends they keep the communication lines open and regularly check in with each other to see how things are going.
“It is key they communicate what feels important and come to an understanding of their expectations and what they can meet for each other.”
“If there’s big differences in that, it can put some pressure on those relationships. But again, none of that is exclusive to a relationship where you’re living apart. You can be living in the same space and experience it just as much.”
If you’re in a LAT relationship or would like to explore it, Relationships Australia NSW is here to help. With our experienced couples’ counsellors, we help people have open discussions in neutral environments, no matter where they’re at in their relationship.
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