For some, the idea of living with a partner after separating seems unfathomable. However, for a growing number of Australians, it’s one of their only choices.
Over the past couple of years, we’ve witnessed a surge of people making this decision and living together for months, if not years, to come.
To explore this trend and its motivations, we spoke with Jacinta, a Family Dispute Resolution Practitioner with Relationships Australia NSW.
Why people separate under the same roof
According to Jacinta, the cost of separation and difficulties finding a new place to live are the main concerns she’s heard from people.
“It’s a combination of the housing shortage and cost of living crisis,” she says.
“People are frightened of leaving because of the financial implications. If they have children, they’re nervous about finding somewhere to live near the other parent and/or extended family who might be able to support them.”
According to Relationships Australia’s recent research report, 2024 Relationship Indicators, cost of living was the number one challenge people faced in relationships, affecting approximately 5.6 million Australians. This crisis disproportionately affected people aged between 25 and 44, as well as families with children under the age of 15.
After finances, Jacinta’s heard a range of reasons. Keeping things “normal” for children and not disrupting their schooling or extracurricular activities was a top priority for parents, while others found they could slowly grieve the end of the relationship living together, as many people grieve at different paces.
“Separating under the same roof is often a holding pattern for people, even if they separate emotionally,” Jacinta says.
“The family home is a familiar space, and they can work out what they’re going to do with their life now that the relationship is over.”
In some cultures, there can be a great deal of shame and stigma around separation, so former couples would present externally as living together but quietly separate.
Jacinta encourages people to seek legal advice before making snap judgements about separating under one roof. In her experience, some people assumed that leaving the family home would have detrimental legal outcomes when that wasn’t necessarily the case.
It’s important to note that if there are instances of domestic and family violence, people should not separate and continue living together. If you are in this situation, you can contact one of the support services listed below.
The challenges of living separated under the one roof
Separation and divorce are immensely challenging for people – they rate in the top three most stressful life events on the Homes and Rahe Stress Scale. Unsurprisingly, continuing to live together after making these decisions can add unexpected and different strains to an already complicated period.
Some former partners experience uncertainty about how to act when they’re living together but no longer intimately connected. Introducing new partners or not honouring agreements made regarding new partners can be a major source of conflict.
While saving money can motivate people, Jacinta says it can still be surprisingly expensive.
“Many will start running two households – like buying their own groceries, and will have different perspectives about splitting expenses.”
How it affects children
In Jacinta’s experience, the impact of separating under the same roof can depend on how parents manage the separation process and the children’s ages.
“Kids can function reasonably well if it’s mutually agreeable, relatively amicable, and there’s minimal conflict. If parents tell children about the separation without the other parent present or before they’re ready to talk about it, that can be very confusing.”
“In addition, kids can become uncertain and confused when parents try to “separate their responsibilities”. For example, they might establish days of the week they care for the children. A child might ask for help with their homework on a day the parent doesn’t normally care for the child, and they’ll turn it down – citing their days of the week.
“All of sudden, there’s a lot of confusion for children and they don’t understand that they’re living in the same house, but different rules apply.”
Other changes like parents sleeping in different rooms or in the kids’ room, or no longer sharing family meals together can be upsetting and unsettling for children.
How mediation can help people separating under the same roof
In mediation sessions, former partners can work with qualified practitioners, like Jacinta, to discuss their challenges and plans for the future. For instance, they could consider what happens if they have to move far apart, their communication preferences, or sharing parental responsibilities.
“It’s very useful to have a conversation with professionals about what separated parenting could look like,” Jacinta says.
“Sometimes people will come in for a conversation when they’re separated under the same roof to make a plan and then they come back a few months later when they have physically separated. They can then make more solid arrangements or update their previous ones now they know what life will look like.”
If you would like to discuss your situation in a safe, neutral environment, you can take a look at our Family Dispute Resolution service. We also offer individual, couples, and family counselling to help people explore their thoughts and challenges, and learn practical strategies to move forward.
If you are experiencing domestic and family violence, please call 000 in an emergency. You can also reach out to 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) for domestic and family violence support and counselling.
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