Picture this. You’re best friends with someone or dating a new person. You feel a good connection. Things seem positive. And then, all of a sudden, they completely disappear from your life, with no contact or explanation.
That’s ghosting.
While “ghosting” is a relatively new term, the familiar sting of rejection and confusion is probably one we can all relate to. Whether it’s friends, family, colleagues or romantic interests, having anyone you care about treat you like you no longer exist is incredibly challenging.
While it hurts and we may not always get closure, there are ways we can cope and heal from this loss, and learn about ourselves for future relationships.
Why do people “ghost” in relationships or friendships?
We wish we could give you all the answers here, but the truth is, there are so many reasons why people ghost – and unfortunately, most of us may not ever know what really happened.
“It’s a confusing and awful experience,” says Sandy, the Counselling Practice Specialist at Relationships Australia NSW. “Other feelings might include shame, loss of confidence, feeling over-exposed and vulnerable.
“Your response to being ghosted can also be a response to previous rejections. It may be a layer upon layer response and this incident of ghosting might be triggering or hitting a sore spot that is already there.”
Sandy says while ghosting might feel very personal and hurtful, a lot of people ghost because they feel like it’s easier than a confrontation.
“They may try to avoid difficult emotions and conflict in many of their relationships. Possibly, they’re scared of conflict after trying to resolve things in other relationships and it went badly or had punitive repercussions. For someone who goes through life and ghosts, there’s likely something in close relationships that they struggle with.
“A small minority of people ghost to have power and control over other people by cutting relationships off.”
Is it my fault if someone ghosts me?
In any relationship, we can reflect on ourselves and how we acted, but Sandy warns people not to get caught in a trap of blaming themselves too much.
“A lot of the time it’s about the other person. Be careful about going down the self-blame or shame pathway, as you’re really susceptible when you’re vulnerable and exposed. Don’t accept more than your share,” she cautions.
“It can be difficult to manage, and I encourage someone who’s experienced ghosting to get support – there might be more to discuss and an opportunity to heal other wounds.”
What can I do if someone has ghosted me?
Part of you might want to reach out and demand answers. That’s completely normal, especially when we’re hurt, or wondering what went wrong.
“But for a lot of people who have been ghosted, you might have to live with never knowing. It’s not always an option to receive closure,” Sandy says.
“Of course, closure can be healthy. But often when we’re angry, it doesn’t feel like closure or it isn’t received well when we’re in that mindset.”
Even if we have answers, being ghosted can bring up a lot of emotions – and you can also feel a lot of grief about the connection you’ve lost. It can be hard, no matter how long you’ve known the person.
“It’s healthy and normal to feel some anger – it’s protective. You’ll probably have lots of awful feelings come up that you might not want to embrace or hang out with for very long, but it’s important to give them some airtime and acknowledgement as part of moving forward.
“While you’re experiencing these emotions, try and fill your life with healthy, positive things to counterbalance what’s just happened.”
You might want to push other people away after you’ve been ghosted, but Sandy says it’s important to remember not everyone is out to hurt you.
“Sometimes, people shut down and then feel unsafe around everybody after being ghosted. But being ghosted tells you more about that one person, than about the whole of society and all of your friends.”
Not coping alone
It’s important to get support, especially if being ghosted has brought up negative feelings for you. It can be really confusing and devastating, particularly if you ruminate and go around in circles wondering why.
Talking to trusted friends and loved ones can be a great first step, as well as others who’ve experienced similar things. Sometimes, writing a letter about how you feel or a letter to the person who ghosted you (that you don’t send) can be a good way to work through your feelings.
Talking to a counsellor or trained professional can also be a great idea. They can help us explore different parts of ourselves and work through our feelings. Remember it may be an opportunity to heal from the loss or old wounds, and learn about ourselves for future relationships.
While it might be hard to accept that people we love are no longer in our life, sometimes it’s for the best. And it leaves room for even better people and relationships.
We offer individual counselling to help people explore their thoughts and feelings in a neutral, non-judgemental space.
Zoe Simmons is an award-winning disabled journalist, copywriter, speaker, author and advocate. Using her lived experience of being a chronically ill, queer, disabled autistic with complex mental illness, Zoe writes—and speaks—to make the world a better place. You can find out more about Zoe on her website, or follow her on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, LinkedIn or TikTok.
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