When you’re caught in the middle of a disagreement between people, what’s your default response?
You might want to jump in and try to fix it straightaway or your focus might be on keeping the peace because avoiding the conflict can be more comfortable.
When presented with conflict or tension, everyone has their own tendencies or default positions. These often take us outside appropriate boundaries and we can end up being over or under-involved. Your response might also be influenced by the particular circumstances or your relationship with the person or people. For instance, how you handle family members in conflict could be very different to the way you respond to work colleagues.
As a mediator, therapist and workplace consultant, I have supported teams to repair and rebuild, and leaders and staff to manage communication and conflict challenges. In doing this, I have seen very different responses to tension and conflict and some key mistakes that people can make in the workplace and in life. These mistakes generally fall into six different categories that I’ve called the Protector, Fixer, Avoider, Peacekeeper, Catastrophiser, and Informer.
In this article, I’ll break down what each of these mean, what it can sound or look like in practice, and the actions you can easily take to improve the way you can provide support and respond most effectively.
The Protector: “Let’s work together to resolve this”
The Protector listens to everyone and goes back and forth between parties to understand all the issues. Often, they’re the people in the workplace that colleagues seek out for support or to confide in. You might be thinking this sounds like a good person to have around!
While Protectors often make a positive difference, they may find themselves over-involved and engaging in issues that are not theirs to solve. Their actions and support can be at the expense of their own boundaries and wellbeing.
Protectors often won’t acknowledge how providing this level of support can impact them because they’re so focused on others.
If you identify with the Protector: Focus on your own boundaries. Before intervening in an issue, consider the circumstances and whether it’s appropriate for you to provide support. You might realise it’s not the right time and you should pull back. Remember – you don’t have to protect everyone, and it can be empowering for people to take responsibility for themselves.
The Fixer: “I’ll solve this for you”
The Fixer tries to come up with solutions that “solve” the conflict and tension, and shuts down or removes any challenging emotion. Despite their good intentions, they tend to jump in to share their view, without giving others the time to reflect, feel their emotions, and discuss uncomfortable topics. They may also come up with quick fixes that don’t necessarily address the heart of the concerns.
If you identify with the Fixer: Embrace the pause. Consciously hold back and give others an opportunity to talk. It’s okay to feel discomfort – giving people a chance to talk about their feelings and concerns is often the pathway to resolution. It’s not always easy but it tends to achieve more sustainable results.
The Avoider: “Just sort it out – I don’t want to know”
The Avoiders do their best to avoid emotions and tend to be under-involved. They often shut down, withdraw, and avoid saying anything, even when it would be appropriate, for fear of saying the wrong thing or making it worse. If emotion is shared with them, they might avoid speaking about it or respond by suggesting that the person gets support elsewhere.
If you identify with the Avoider: Spend time exploring your own emotions. Look out for a couple of things: where you feel emotions in your body and the needs that your emotions are connected to. You could also reflect on the messages you were given growing up that told you to shut down emotion. To get more comfortable sharing your emotions, confide in trusted loved ones. It can be helpful to share that you feel uncomfortable talking about your emotions and you’re trying to change this.
The Peacekeeper: “Let’s be nice to each other”
Kind, caring and thoughtful, the Peacekeeper avoids calling out behaviours or addressing tension in the room even when it is appropriate. They focus on trying to make people feel better and keeping the peace. They tend not to acknowledge the issues and say things like “let’s just be positive” and express their appreciation for when other people are being “positive”.
If you identify with the Peacekeeper: Notice your own discomfort with challenging emotions and think about times when talking about challenging emotions resulted in helpful outcomes. Remember – it’s not your responsibility to keep the peace. Sometimes hard conversations bring to the surface important concerns and can provide opportunities for sustainable solutions.
The Catastrophiser: “This is terrible!”
The Catastrophiser tends to see any conflict or tension as a bad thing. In times of tension or conflict, they consistently feel stressed about any disharmony. As a result, they talk about the “problems” regularly and intensively with others to make themselves feel better and overcome their own anxieties. This approach can add fuel to the fire, entrench positions and cause more stress. Catastrophisers can struggle to find resolution and peace in themselves when there are people around them in conflict.
If you identify with the Catastrophiser: Explore what you are feeling and your own needs. Take time to settle your nervous system with strategies like meditation, slow breathing, exercise, and light-hearted interactions. Consciously consider the amount of time you spend discussing issues and focus on what you can control and influence, as well as finding resolution.
The Informer: “Do you want to know the latest about….?”
The Informer has usually experienced the power of their own knowledge and expertise. They value being considered an “expert” where people seek their advice and insight, which might mean they overstep and become inappropriately involved to find out all the details. As a result, the Informer can add fuel to the fire by sharing information to demonstrate their knowledge and provide their “expert” view of the situation.
If you identify with the Informer: Consider your intentions before you involve yourself in any conflict. Notice if your contribution is for the benefit of the parties, compared to when it is to enhance your own status. Be mindful of the information you share and focus on actions that will support resolution. Check in with yourself to ensure that you are providing support within appropriate boundaries.
While most of us will experience conflict in our professional and personal lives, very few of us have the training and skills to resolve disagreements.
That’s why Relationships Australia NSW has designed their new Accidental Mediator workshop – to empower workplaces to resolve everyday tensions and concerns before they escalate and become bigger issues. I’ve been closely involved in the development of the course and now facilitate this workshop for organisations across the state who are looking to foster positive, open and respectful workplace cultures.
Tulsi van de Graaff is a mediator, workplace trainer, management consultant, and facilitator.
If you’d like to learn more about Accidental Mediator or how it might benefit your team, we’d love to chat with you further – call us on 1300 364 277.
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