Grief is something most of us will experience at some point in our lives. Yet when it arrives, it can feel disorientating, all-consuming and almost impossible to explain.
Grief is something most of us will experience at some point in our lives. Yet when it arrives, it can feel disorientating, all-consuming and almost impossible to explain.
While we often associate grief with death, loss can take many forms – the death of a partner, parent, sibling or child, the breakdown of a relationship, family estrangement, or even the gradual changes that come when a loved one is diagnosed with dementia or terminal illness.
To better understand how grief shapes us – and how we can support one another through it – we spoke with Connie Easterbrook, a Senior Couple and Family Counsellor with Relationships Australia NSW and author of My Daughter, Myself. Drawing on both her professional experience and her own experiences of loss, Connie offers insight into what grief looks like – and what can help.
How grief really feels
“The first word that comes to mind is devastation,” Connie says. “Although, it is important to recognise that grief is shaped by the nature of the relationship you shared. If it’s your life partner of many years, that’s going to be enormous. If you lose a child, you don’t ‘get over it’. You learn to live with it. It’s life changing. There’s a before and an after.”
The closeness, history and complexity of the relationship all influence how loss is experienced. A sudden, unexpected death may feel like the world has turned on its axis. A long illness may bring anticipatory grief – a slow, ongoing process of adjusting to what is coming.
At the same time, grief doesn’t always follow logic. Sometimes a loss that seems, on the surface, more distant – a work colleague or someone you’ve only known for a short time – can hit far harder than you expect. It may stir up earlier losses, unresolved feelings, or parts of yourself you didn’t realise were tender – grief can often surprise us.
“There’s no hierarchy in grief,” Connie explains. “Grief is grief. There’s no ‘my grief is worse than yours’.”
Grief isn’t linear
Many of us are familiar with the idea of the “five stages of grief” – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance – first introduced by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross.
While this framework has shaped how grief is understood in mainstream culture, it was never intended to be a rigid checklist or a sequence that everyone must move through in a particular order. Kübler-Ross herself later clarified that the stages were not meant to neatly organise grief into predictable steps, but to describe common responses people may have to loss. There is no single correct way to grieve, because there is no single kind of loss.
“It’s more cyclical than linear,” Connie explains. “You can move in and out of shock, denial, anger or sadness. It doesn’t follow a tidy path.”
“One of the biggest misconceptions is that grief has an endpoint,” Connie says. “But it doesn’t. Your life doesn’t return to normal – it’s a new normal.”
For some, the first year is the hardest, while others may find it’s not until the third or fourth year that grief really sinks in. Anniversaries, birthdays and unexpected reminders can bring waves of emotion long after others assume you’ve moved on.
Grief doesn’t always look how we expect
Another common misunderstanding is that grief must look a certain way – visible sadness, constant tears and emotional breakdown.
“They might cry. But they might not,” Connie says.
Some people feel numb for a long time. That numbness can feel confusing or even guilt-inducing – you might wonder, “why aren’t I expressing my feelings more emotionally?”, or “why am I acting this way when I feel so broken and sad on the inside?”
“I know now that numbness is protective. Your psyche gives you space to process what’s happened before you’re ready to fully feel it.”
Well-meaning comments like “you’re doing so well” can unintentionally feel dismissive, especially when someone is struggling internally.
“Just because someone looks okay on the outside doesn’t mean they’re okay on the inside.”
People in relationships also grieve differently. It’s common in relationships for one partner to want to talk and process verbally, while the other withdraws or channels their grief into action. These differences can create strain in relationships that are already vulnerable.
You have to feel grief to move through it
“People often don’t want to feel it,” Connie says. “They want to distract themselves by avoiding it, suppressing it, returning to work or going on holiday; do anything but feel it.” The loss feels too overwhelming, more than they feel they have capacity to deal with.
But delayed or suppressed grief can resurface later, sometimes in more complicated ways.
“The way through is to feel it. This can be one of the hardest truths to accept.”
That doesn’t mean being overwhelmed without support. It means allowing yourself to feel grief in safe ways – through conversation, counselling, ritual or reflection. In small chunks, bit by bit, piece by piece.
When someone you love is grieving
Many people worry about saying the wrong thing, especially if they haven’t experienced significant loss themselves.
“I think people don’t realise how much it changes your world when it happens to you,” Connie explains.
One longstanding myth is that you shouldn’t mention the person who has died.
“For most people who are grieving, that’s actually the worst thing you can do,” Connie says. “Friends and family often avoid bringing up the person who died because they don’t want to upset the grieving person. But the person in grief is already thinking about them – you’re not going to make it worse by saying their name.”
For many people who are grieving, it can feel hurtful when others don’t acknowledge the death at all. Silence can feel like avoidance – or even as though the person who died didn’t matter.
That said, it’s still important for the support person to check in first. Grief shifts from day to day, and the grieving person may not always feel ready to talk. You might say:
- “I’ve been thinking of you.”
- “Would you like to talk about [the person’s name] today?”
- “Is today a good day to chat?”
It’s okay to say, “I don’t know what to say.” What matters most is being genuine and following through on your offers of support.
Helping with practical tasks can also be a source of comfort:
- Cooking meals
- Running errands
- Helping with housework
- Checking in months – and years – later, when the initial support has faded
“Be there,” Connie says. “And be prepared to be there for the long haul.”
Sometimes the most meaningful support is simply listening or sitting in silence together.
Grieving someone who is still alive
Grief doesn’t only follow death. Family estrangement, relationship breakdown, or caring for someone with dementia or terminal illness can bring what Connie describes as ongoing or anticipatory grief.
“You’re grieving as you go along.”
When a loved one is living with dementia or a degenerative illness, there can be a gradual sense of losing the person as they once were. Even when a death is anticipated, it doesn’t make the loss easier.
“People sometimes assume that because you knew it was coming, you’ll be okay. That’s not true.”
There’s often hope, adjustment, and then the reality of the loss. The grief can be drawn out and layered. Similarly, when relationships end or families become estranged, the grief can feel complex and ongoing.
“Sometimes it’s harder because the person is still alive,” Connie says. “It can feel like they’re gone – but they’re not.”
Honouring the person and the loss
Funerals, anniversaries, birthdays and private traditions can create opportunities to honour both the person and the grief.
“I never work on the anniversary of my daughter’s death,” Connie shares. “It’s a form of self-care. It feels like I’m honouring her.”
Rituals to help you honour a loss might include:
- Visiting a meaningful place
- Lighting a candle on significant dates
- Writing letters or journalling
- Donating to a cause
- Talking about what you loved and miss
“Talking about the person – that honours them too.”
When to seek additional support
Grief is a natural process, but there are times when professional support can help. It may be helpful to seek support if you or someone you know is:
- Experiencing persistent or severe depression
- Expressing hopelessness or suicidal thoughts
- Consumed by guilt or self-blame
- Unable to function in daily life over an extended period
- Showing signs of disordered thinking or significant emotional dysregulation
Individual counselling can help to process grief safely and at your own pace. There are also specialised supports available, including:
- GriefLine (1300 845 745) – a national grief and loss support service
- Lifeline (13 11 14) – 24/7 crisis support, including support for people impacted by suicide
- Suicide bereavement support groups for people who have lost a loved one to suicide:
- For adults – StandBy Support After Suicide
- For children – Feel the Magic
- Red Nose – a support service for parents who have lost a baby or child
- Online grief communities and education platforms
If someone is at immediate risk, or you’re concerned for their safety, call 000 straight away.
For some people, support groups are incredibly helpful. For others, individual counselling may feel more appropriate. It’s about finding what works for you.
Grief changes us – but we don’t have to navigate it alone
Grief doesn’t follow rules and it doesn’t look the same for everyone.
As Connie reminds us, some of the most powerful qualities we can offer are simple – “respect, genuineness, empathy, lots of listening, and sometimes just being there in silence.”
If you or someone you care about is navigating grief and loss – whether through bereavement, relationship breakdown, estrangement or ongoing illness – support is available. Speaking with a counsellor can help you make sense of what you’re feeling and find ways to move forward at your own pace.
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