Phil’s Story: Repairing a Relationship With Your Adult Parent

Last updated 2 August , 2024

From an early age, Phil has fond memories with his mum. They were “best friends” who shared a love of Christmas, Disney and Star Wars.

In contrast, he struggled to develop a closeness with his father – in his own words, they were like “oil and water”.

“He was the authoritarian type, and it was his way or the highway,” Phil explained.

His father raised them in a small religious group that was devout and strict in its practices. Sunday school and scripture classes were a regular part of their week and any absence required a valid reason. Otherwise, they were made to feel guilty and shamed.

At primary school, Phil started asking his parents why his friends couldn’t join him in his religious studies. He noticed people disappearing from the religion and wanted to know where they were going – and why they weren’t coming back.

When Phil would prod his father about what was happening, he was met with hostility and anger. While he had doubts about what he’d been raised to believe, the message was clear – keep the peace by following.

For most of his adult life, Phil tried to do just that. He was baptised, which “was the greatest thing I could possibly do in my dad’s worldview.”

His dedication to the faith made their relationship closer and eased tensions between other family members. Privately, Phil wrestled with his conscience and what felt like living two lives.

It was only in his early forties that he’d had enough.

“When I decided to leave our religion, it was incredibly difficult for my dad to accept. He really felt as though he had failed me.”

“The choices I was making differed from what his expectations were for me as a son.”

After leaving, Phil said his relationship with his father remained civil but volatile. The days of peacekeeping had returned. He was desperate to bridge the gap between the two of them, but the odds of genuinely repairing the relationship seemed slim.

Upon chance, Phil was referred to the Let’s Talk Elder Support and Mediation service at Relationships Australia NSW, which is a safe place for older people and their loved ones to navigate relationship challenges.

This was the breakthrough Phil needed.

“I had really wanted to go to mediation with my dad years prior to that, just so we could get on the same page and have a closer relationship. It was the initial step towards us healing a lifetime of differences.”

It took some convincing to get his dad to come along, who was raised to keep anything personal to himself. One of the encouraging factors was having both individual and joint sessions with the mediators and being able to choose what they shared with each other.

Over a number of sessions, Phil and his dad were able to express their feelings to each other and acknowledge deep hurt on both sides. They gained trust and confidence in the process, which meant they could honestly explain their decisions and, for the first time, truly listen.

Through mediation, they discovered positive things they could do together, like enjoying weekly meals at their favourite restaurant, rewatching beloved childhood TV shows, and even going to a concert.

Soon after the final session, Phil’s father sadly passed away, which has only strengthened his gratitude for the experience.

“I’ve got really lovely memories of my dad now because of the mediation,” he said.

“All of what I was able to express to my dad and what he was able to express to me, has become even more profound and impactful. It’s given me incredible peace of mind.”