‘Why I Stayed in Marriage for Years When I Wanted to Leave’

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. Couples
. Conflict, Divorce + Separation, Domestic Violence
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Last updated 8 December , 2024

Author: Anonymous

In the last three Christmases of my marriage, I promised myself I would leave after New Year’s Eve – when the parties were over, the family had returned home, and the excess food given away.

I came to dread those summer months and what they entailed. It was initially such an overwhelming time – too many branches of the family to cook, clean, and entertain for, and weeks of having my needs and wants put last.

As time went on, I realised my unhappiness was far beyond the cooking and cleaning – it was my marriage that I was suffering in.

During the rest of the year, there were issues in our marriage, but I quietly carried on. At Christmas time, these problems were lit up like gaudy baubles. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was experiencing coercive control, gaslighting, verbal, and financial abuse, which only intensified throughout this period.

The choice to leave might seem like a black and white decision but it didn’t feel bad all the time – 90% of the time things were okay (or as good as they could be).

That’s what I thought. That’s how I rationalised things. Now I’ve learned that even if things seem okay most of the time, what happens in the 10 percent can be deeply painful and cause long-lasting harm. Your soul changes and doesn’t grow back the same.

So, why would Christmases come and go and yet I stayed? To put it simply – I was paralysed by shame and guilt.

I thought a lot about our young son. I never wanted to ruin his Christmas by turning his world upside down at the most magical time of the year.

What kind of mother would I be if I did that? I could hang in there for the good of my son and everyone else and then start my new life.

As a Gen X-er from a ‘nice family’, I was worried about the judgements from some of my family members. I was taught to do all the ‘right’ things: get a university education and a job in that field, meet someone and get married, start a family. I didn’t want to be a ‘failure’ and show people my marriage had ‘failed’.

I was inherently a people pleaser, and thought people would love me more if I put myself last to do right by them.

Yes, as well as my son, I admit pride and the desire for a simple exit without opinions partially stopped me from leaving… until the year I just couldn’t stay anymore.

That November, I called my mum and told her I was leaving my husband after Christmas. It was really going to happen.

That year, I finally accepted that the only way to reclaim my Christmases was to give myself the best gift of all – to leave.

Anyone who’s ended a marriage or serious relationship will know it’s one of the hardest decisions to make. For me, it felt like I couldn’t do it until I’d reached my absolute limit and by that time there wasn’t a choice – I was escaping.

I didn’t beat myself up about leaving sooner. If you’re in that position now, don’t make things harder by punishing yourself for being ‘weak’.

I know now there are a lot of people not wanting to rock the boat right now, keeping silent for the sake of everyone else, just before Christmas. I know you’re exhausted, maybe even feeling defeated. I get it.

So, I want to say, you’re not alone. It is a HUGE decision, with many factors and complex emotions, and they might confuse you or keep you in a relationship you’re uncertain about.

It took me three Christmases of wanting out before I did it. You will eventually get there, if you want to. Just take care of yourself until you do.

If you’d like support in creating and maintaining strong, fulfilling connections, we offer individual, couples, and family counselling. In a safe and non-judgemental space, you can explore your thoughts, goals, and discover practical strategies for the future.