How We Can Help Neurodivergent Kids Make Strong Friendships In and Out of School

Finding common interests 

When speaking to Madonna for the book, autism expert Tony Atwood explained that for ND children, “[a friend] is more likely to be described as someone with a similar interest”, rather than someone they have an initial deep rapport or connection with.  

With that in mind, the message from parents, educators, and researchers in the book was clear: seek out clubs and groups.  

From Pokemon to drama, scouts, sports, or arts and crafts, as long as kids genuinely enjoyed the activity, the results of a group were “revolutionary”. Alongside driving connection, they helped ND kids develop their language, identify similarities between themselves and their peers, practice teamwork, learn facial expressions and gestures, and improve their self-confidence.  

Madonna and Rebecca found some schools embracing special interest groups, but they also encouraged parents to look further afield.  

“The value of a club that is separate from school allows children who can’t find connection inside the school grounds to know they are able to make friends elsewhere.”

The role of parents

A disappointing theme that emerged in Madonna and Rebecca’s conversations with parents of ND children was the unsupportive role that parents of NT children had on friendship.

“Friendship challenges are more from the parents. They won’t allow my child over and make up reasons why they can’t catch up outside of school. They have other kids over,” one mother wrote in response to their survey.

Alongside playdates, birthday parties were commonly raised as upsetting events where ND children were left out.

To this, Madonna has a clear message.

“As parents, we have an enormous amount of influence. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if that influence could be extended to teaching our children the value of difference, rather than sowing these seeds that paints difference as bad?”

While ND children often unfairly shoulder the burden of improving their social skills, Madonna advocates for NT children, their parents, schools, and teachers to learn more about valuing differences.

“I would say to parents – we’re all in this together. All our kids struggle sometimes, just like they fly sometimes. When you’re looking at your children, whether they’re neurodivergent or they’re a sibling or peer of a neurodivergent child, what can you do to really help them flourish?”

You can purchase a copy of Out of the Box online or in bookstores.

Madonna King is an award-winning journalist and author, whose understanding of teenage lives is valued through speaking and writing engagements across the nation. As a journalist and commentator, she continues to work across TV, radio and online, and all her books are based on hundreds of expert interviews. Her best-selling parenting books give a voice to tweens and teens aged 8–18 and include Ten-Ager, Being 14, Fathers and Daughters, L Platers and Saving our Kids. Madonna travels Australia, talking to school communities and students about the challenges that mark their teen years. Learn more at her website.

Rebecca Sparrow is a teen educator, the author of six books and the host of ABC’s Parental As Anything, Teens podcast. Each year, Bec speaks to thousands of tweens and teens (and their parents) about how to recognise and nurture strong friendships, navigate conflict and set healthy boundaries. Her online friendship webinars are watched in lounge rooms across the world. Bec is also an ambassador for The Lady Musgrave Trust, which provides support and services to young women facing homelessness. Learn more at her website or follow her on Instagram and Facebook.