Despite the fact that many of us will have several significant relationships across our lives, we still tend to think in terms of finding “The One”. It’s a compelling idea – but it can also make dating feel like an endless search for certainty.
When every relationship feels like it has to last forever, it’s easy to over-analyse every interaction and second-guess your instincts.
Instead of feeling more confident in our decisions, we can become caught in a cycle of second-guessing. We wonder if someone better might be just one more swipe away. We scrutinise every message, every date and every interaction, asking ourselves, “is this person good enough?”
It’s an understandable question, but perhaps there’s another one that’s just as important: “Am I approaching this relationship in a way that gives it a genuine chance to grow?”
The pressure to find “The One”
Although many Australians will have several significant relationships throughout their lives, many of us still grow up with the idea that there is one perfect partner waiting to be found. Friends and family can also be invested in it for us. That’s a lot of pressure.
When every relationship is viewed as a potential lifelong decision, it’s easy to feel anxious about getting it wrong. Every first impression starts to carry enormous weight.
Relationships today also look different to those of previous generations. Australians are generally marrying later in life, with the median age at marriage now 32.8 years for men and 31.2 years for women. Fewer Australians are marrying than they did 20 years ago, and many couples now spend years living together before deciding whether marriage is right for them.
Dating apps can amplify the sense that every decision matters. With very little information, we’re often making quick judgements based on a handful of photos, a short bio or a first conversation. Sometimes those decisions are right but, other times, we may be dismissing someone before we’ve had enough information to really get to know them.
When doubt becomes the third person in the relationship
The uncertainty doesn’t always end once you start seeing someone. Many people continue to ask themselves whether they’re settling, whether someone better might come along, whether they should keep their options open, or how they’ll know if this person is really it.
Years ago, this might simply have been labelled “commitment phobia”, but that phrase doesn’t really explain what’s happening.
Sometimes hesitation comes from previous heartbreak, lacking confidence in your own judgement, or feeling worried about wasting time – particularly if you’re hoping to start a family. It can also come from a very human desire to protect yourself from being hurt again.
These concerns deserve compassion, but it’s also worth asking whether anxiety is helping you make a better decision, or simply making every decision feel impossible.
Interestingly, while many people worry about choosing the wrong partner, Australia’s divorce rate is now at its lowest level since the mid-1970s. This may partly reflect people marrying later, knowing themselves better, and often living together before marriage, rather than hastily rushing into lifelong commitments.
Spend less time assessing them and more time noticing the relationship
When we’re dating, it’s natural to evaluate another person. Do they share my values? Can I trust them? Do they communicate well? Do we enjoy spending time together? These are all important questions, but many of us spend far less time considering our own contribution to the relationship.
Relationships are dynamic, created between two people, which means both people shape how the relationship feels. If you’re feeling highly anxious, guarded or constantly evaluating, it’s possible the other person is responding to that uncertainty too. They may seem less relaxed, less spontaneous or less themselves because they’re sensing your hesitation.
Rather than focusing solely on whether they’re “good enough”, it can be helpful to ask yourself whether you feel emotionally available for a relationship, what qualities you bring, and whether you’re genuinely curious about getting to know this person – rather than quietly interviewing them for a permanent role.
Know your non-negotiables, but leave room for surprise
It’s healthy to know what matters most to you in a relationship. For some people, kindness is essential. For others, it’s emotional safety, honesty, shared values or wanting to have children.
Those values deserve to be taken seriously. But alongside your non-negotiables, it can also help to stay open to the unexpected. Many people in long-term relationships will tell you their partner wasn’t exactly who they imagined they’d end up with. Sometimes, the qualities that matter most only become visible over time.
People rarely reveal their full selves over coffee on a first date, or even the first few dates.
Trust your judgement, not your rumination
There is an important difference between intuition and overthinking. If you find yourself constantly trying to convince yourself to stay in a relationship, despite a persistent feeling that something isn’t right, it’s worth paying attention to that instinct.
On the other hand, if your usual pattern is to leave relationships early because uncertainty feels uncomfortable, it may be worth resisting the urge to make an immediate decision.
Instead, try setting yourself a review point. You might decide to spend the next month simply getting to know someone without analysing every interaction as it happens. Then, once you have more real-life experience to reflect on, you can check in with yourself again.
Of course, you need a good enough reason to keep dating someone; that may be attraction, curiosity, fun, or good conversation. Taking your time doesn’t mean ignoring concerns or endlessly pushing through doubt. It means giving yourself enough information to make a thoughtful decision, rather than letting today’s anxiety decide for you.
Relationship researchers have also found that lasting relationships are built less on finding a flawless partner and more on developing trust, responsiveness and commitment over time. The qualities that make relationships endure often emerge gradually as two people learn how to support one another through everyday life, rather than revealing themselves in the early excitement of dating.
See them in real life, not just on dates
One of the best ways to get to know someone is to experience different parts of their life.
Pay attention to how they interact with friends, family, wait staff, customer service workers, work colleagues, neighbours, children and people they disagree with.
These everyday moments often tell you far more than a carefully planned dinner date ever could. They can show you how someone handles frustration, generosity, stress, conflict, humour and care.
Ask people you trust
Sometimes it’s difficult to see our own relationships clearly, especially when we’re excited, anxious or trying hard to make something work.
Trusted friends or family members can offer valuable perspectives, but make sure your chosen support team know you well, understand what matters to you, and tend to be thoughtful rather than reactive.
The goal isn’t to let someone else decide for you, but to gather other perspectives as you make your own decision.
Give the relationship enough time
Healthy relationships develop gradually, compatibility becomes clearer through shared experiences, and commitment tends to grow through consistency. They aren’t decided after one good date, one awkward conversation, or one moment of doubt.
You need to relax enough to enjoy what is possible, and to put some energy into its success. This may be a handful of dates, or a few months of dating.
Perhaps the real question isn’t whether someone is perfect or ticks every one of your planned boxes. It’s whether the relationship is becoming a place where both of you feel increasingly safe, respected, accepted and able to be yourselves. To experience fun and happiness together.
Need support navigating relationships? Whether you’re dating, questioning a relationship, recovering from a breakup or trying to understand recurring relationship patterns, you don’t have to work through it alone. Our individual and relationship counselling services provide a supportive space to explore what’s important to you, strengthen your confidence in your decisions, and build healthier relationships – with others and yourself.
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