When something feels a little off in a relationship, seeking professional help probably isn’t the first thing most of us think to do. We might put it down to a stressful few weeks, tell ourselves things will settle down once work gets quieter or the kids are sleeping better, or simply accept that every relationship goes through difficult patches.
Often, that’s a perfectly reasonable response. Relationships aren’t supposed to feel effortless all the time, and being able to weather periods of stress without assuming something is fundamentally wrong can be a sign of security rather than neglect.
But there can be a fine line between trusting that you’ll get through a difficult period together and ignoring something that needs attention.
A new survey commissioned by Relationships Australia NSW found that only 9% of Australians seek help when a relationship first begins to feel strained. Most wait until things have progressed further: 17% seek support once conflict becomes regular, 24% when relationship difficulties begin affecting their mental health, and 13% only when the relationship is close to breaking down. Almost three in 10 (29%) say they don’t seek help at all.
Not every rough patch is a relationship crisis
Elisabeth Shaw, CEO of Relationships Australia NSW and clinical psychologist, says the fact that most of us don’t immediately seek help at the first sign of strain isn’t necessarily cause for concern.
“It’s a strength for secure couples to not worry too much at the first sign of trouble, and to stay calm and optimistic,” says Elisabeth. “Periods of overwork, having a new baby or managing elderly parents can be trying even in strong and loving relationships, and being able to confidently say to each other, ‘No need to panic; we will get through this’ can be a healthy approach.”
The difficulty is that those very real pressures can also become an explanation for relationship strain that is telling us something different. A problem that has been lingering for months might be put down to work, the kids or a difficult period because it feels more confronting to acknowledge there could be more to it.
There’s also a tendency for the relationship itself to gradually slide down the priority list. Work, children, caring responsibilities and financial pressures all need our attention, and we can assume the relationship will absorb and overcome a fair amount of neglect while everything else gets done.
When is a rough patch something more?
There isn’t a universal point when an ordinary rough patch becomes something that needs more attention. Elisabeth suggests paying attention to your own intuition, particularly if you have a persistent sense that what’s happening is no longer adequately explained by being tired, busy or under pressure.
The way you experience a difficult period together can also tell you something. You might both be struggling with a new baby, money worries or caring responsibilities but still be able to acknowledge what’s happening and reassure each other that you’re on the same team.
If you’re no longer able to talk about what’s happening, attempts to reconnect are repeatedly avoided, or you’re feeling increasingly lonely within the relationship, it may be worth paying closer attention.
For people who do seek counselling, Elisabeth says one comment comes up remarkably often.
“One of the most common things couples say to me after productive sessions is, ‘I wish we had come earlier’,” she says. “Having someone who can help mediate, offer a different perspective, provide new strategies and skills, and cut through some of the darker thoughts can bring great relief.”
Importantly, feeling fearful within a relationship requires a different response. If you’re afraid of your partner because of controlling, threatening, abusive or violent behaviour, the goal shouldn’t be to communicate better or preserve the relationship at the expense of your safety. Specialist domestic and family violence support can help you consider what is safest for you.
Problems can become patterns
When relationship difficulties are left unaddressed, the original issue can become just one part of a far bigger problem.
A disagreement about money, parenting, intimacy or household responsibilities can gradually become entangled with the way a couple talks about it. Both people know roughly how the argument will unfold before it has even started, retreat to familiar positions and eventually find it easier not to raise the issue at all.
Relationship strain can also spill into other parts of our wellbeing. In the Relationships Australia NSW survey, 26% of Australians said relationship stress or difficulties had affected their overall stress levels quite a bit or a great deal over the previous year. Almost one in four said the same about their sleep (23%) and mood (23%), while 21% reported an impact on their energy.
It doesn’t mean every unresolved disagreement is destined to become a serious relationship problem. But there can be value in paying attention before you’ve spent months or years having the same arguments, avoiding the same conversations or feeling increasingly disconnected.
Support doesn’t have to wait for crisis
While only 9% of Australians say they seek help when a relationship first feels strained, many are open to earlier forms of support. If it were easy to access and affordable, 39% said they would consider preventative couples counselling and 34% a relationship health check.
Elisabeth is realistic about what that might look like. Most of us probably aren’t going to book an annual relationship check-up when everything feels fine. The bigger opportunity may be to change what we think relationship support is for.
“Many more people have had the experience of a mentor or coach at different times in their lives and can see the benefit of building skills for new problems, stages and situations,” she says. “We can bring some of that thinking to relationships too, rather than assuming, ‘We have to be in deep trouble to get help’.”
Professional support can provide an independent space to understand what’s happening, get a different perspective and build skills before patterns become harder to shift.
But looking after a relationship before crisis doesn’t necessarily mean going to straight to counselling. It could involve making time for the relationship when work and family life are consuming most of your attention, checking in when something doesn’t feel right, or noticing when the same issue keeps resurfacing without ever really being resolved.
The point isn’t to constantly monitor your relationship for problems or treat every difficult week as a warning sign. There is real value in recognising that life is hard sometimes, trusting the strength of the relationship and knowing you can get through it together.
But if the same concerns keep returning, conversations are becoming harder or you’re feeling increasingly disconnected, you don’t need to wait for a crisis to take the relationship seriously.
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